Two Year Anniversary
~ Published April 15, 2023 ~
What happens when your lifelong dream comes true and it doesn't measure up to your expectations?
My debut novel Broken not Shattered was published on April 15, 2021, so today is my two year anniversary! What an amazing and frustrating journey it’s been. I’ve learned so much, not just about writing, but about myself. Things I likely never would have discovered any other way.
This blog post will be real and raw, so if you don’t want to know my innermost thoughts scroll on to the next section. If you chose to continue reading, I need to give you a primer on how to interpret it. Some people might think my words signify that I am in a heavy dark place. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Remember my hopeful and authentic tagline 
.
Read my words as an anthem. Read them as my Rocky moment, where Sylvester Stallone finally reached the top of the steps and raised his hands in triumph as the music swells. Read them in the positive, optimistic way they are meant to be.
Is it all that I thought it would be?
That’s an easy question to answer. No. I think every author secretly dreams of becoming a New York Times best seller and so far that hasn’t happened 
.
On a more serious note, I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster as I face the reality of what it means to be an author.
I’ve met some amazing people and made lifelong friends. As someone who still lives in the small town I was born and raised in, I now know people from around the globe. I’ve had experiences that two short years ago I never would have believed possible. And I’m still awe struck when I search for myself on Amazon and find eight books with my name on the cover!
But with all that, I’ve waged an internal battle over the past six months. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change the experience for anything, but I knew it was time to make some hard choices…some changes. I’ve discovered which parts of my personality lends itself to being a published author and which parts don’t. The struggles I’ve dealt with inside myself are nothing like I’ve faced before. It’s been an eye-opener!
Did I ever think about giving it all up?
Another easy one to answer. Yes. I realized that somewhere during the past year I stopped having fun. It took me more months than I’d care to admit to figure it out. There were many moments when I didn’t recognize myself, and neither did my wife. I didn’t like this version of me.
I felt caged. Trapped. And for the longest time, I didn’t know how to admit that I was struggling. I was embarrassed. Ashamed that what I’d dreamed about for so long wasn’t giving me the fulfillment I thought it would. Guilt riddled me. I knew many people would love to achieve what I had. Seven books published in two years, with three more fully written, but still I felt lost.
What was wrong with me? What kind of person wouldn’t feel gratitude with all these blessings? That only made me feel worse, so I pushed on… doubled down, so to speak. I worked harder.
Do more. Market better. Put myself out there. Whatever it takes to sell more books. But the more I did, the emptier I felt and the deeper I spiraled. I was still too ashamed to tell anyone how I felt, so I waged the war all on my own.
Am I still in the depths of despair?
No! I feel better than I have in a long time! As someone who has spent a lifetime trying to improve myself, this setback came as a bit of a shock. I discovered things about myself that I didn’t know.
What did I discover?
I made reference, earlier, to feeling “caged”. Freedom and autonomy mean a lot to me, as does being a problem solver. In my “day job”, I have led the same organization for over thirty years. I have the reputation of being someone that will overcome any obstacle, usually with a unique and creative solution. No problem or challenge, including Covid-19, has ever left me feeling defeated for long. In my heart, I’ve always believed my team and I will find the answer.
I wasn’t feeling that way in my writing career. Well, that’s not quite true. I took on the challenge to sell more books and rolled up my sleeves and got to it, but the more I did the less I enjoyed myself. It wasn’t that there was no solution. The truth was I didn’t like the solution.
Let me explain. There are things I could do to sell more books, but as I’ve mentioned in other newsletters, I don’t want to do those things. That’s where the feeling of being caged came in.
Write only contemporary romance – I don’t want to.
Write shorter books – I don’t want to.
Write simpler storylines and plots – I don’t want to.
Follow the rules – Hell no, I don’t want to. My next book will attest to that.
I believe my least favorite expectation is that characters must always maturely talk out their problems. What?!? We are emotional, irrational human beings who don’t always get it right. No, I don’t like “fake” conflict, but I really dislike perfect characters even more. People are messy, so I intend to let my characters be messy and make mistakes. Of course, in the end, I want them to learn how to do relationships better, but I want them to struggle to get it right, and more importantly, sometimes get it wrong.
This leads me to the area that I’m almost fearful to write about. But if I don’t I’ll never break out of this cage I find myself in, and I will forever be walking on eggshells. For the LGBTQ+ community that has been judged, marginalized, and had to fight so hard to have a voice, I feel that voices are often silenced within.
What do I mean by this? I’ve found that many times there is only ONE way of thinking that is deemed acceptable. For a community that has been “bullied” for a long time, there is much “bullying” that goes on within the community. There is little room for open discussion and dialogue or differences of opinions. To voice a different opinion, is to risk being shamed, labeled, and ostracized.
I didn’t realize how deeply this was affecting me, until I wrote my upcoming release Love or Hate. It was possibly the most personal story I’ve written and by far the hardest. It set me on the path to self-discovery that I so desperately needed.
Why did I decide to share such a personal story?
I love the saying, the truth shall set you free. By being honest, vulnerable, and letting people see my struggles, it takes the sting, or more accurately the shame out of it. I no longer have to fear that someone will “laugh” at me for discovering that the dream I’ve had for over thirty years isn’t all I’d hoped for, nor do I have to walk on eggshells for fear I might say or do the wrong thing that will turn people away from my books. It allows me to live in my authenticity.
What happens from here?
I still love to write and share my stories! In fact, I couldn’t imagine not writing. It’s my escape. My “imaginary” friends are as real as my “real” friends . So my plan is to continue to write my stories; that won’t change. What will change is my expectations and goals.
Ultimately, I caged myself by getting too wrapped up in the outcomes, or should I say the wrong outcomes. I was measuring my success by how many books I sold, what my average star rating was on Amazon or Goodreads, and how much money I earned. Along the way, I stopped enjoying the journey.
I’m a work in progress, and I’m not where I need to be, yet. I still find myself peeking at Amazon to see how my books are selling. And with each new release, I still get my hopes up that this is the one that will go “viral”. That it will be the one everyone is talking about. But all it does is take away from my joy of sharing my stories.
Recently, I’ve been studying Stoicism to help me on this path. The teaching reminds me that there is little we have control over, except our reactions to what happens. With this thought clearly in mind, I’m working on living by the following motto:
“If you want to be published – if you want a hit book – don’t worry about things you can’t control. Focus on the page right in front of you. Make it the best it can be and build those pages into a book. And then work on another one.”
Which means I will continue to write the best book I can for the readers and myself, but I won’t sweat the outcome. If I do, I’ll lose me again.
I appreciate those of you who have read this to the end. You’ve allowed me to let go of all that I’ve stuffed down. I feel lighter and freer, so now I can stand at the top of the stairs with my arms held high and dance to Rocky’s theme song! 